WHY

I've been reading JackSh*t's post on why people are using blogs to lose weight. Why people want to lose weight. Which got me thinking what my post-it would say.

• To not be scared of diabetes, heart disease, etc.
• To be able to run and jump and skip along with my nephew and cousins
• To enjoy shopping and have fun swapping clothes with friends
• To control food and not let it control me
• To win a battle I've been fighting my entire life
• To figure out why this battle has been going on forever

I don't think I have a single post-it to sum up why. I think I'm using the blog to figure out everything. I'm writing to see why I've slip up in the past and how I can truly make this my FINAL "fresh new healthy start". I'm tired of falling in the deep end and then a few months later starting all over again, like going in loops. I hope and I'm planning that the blog makes me accountable and makes me really realize what I'm doing. I'm starting a healthy lifestyle and eating choices NOW, I don't want to say losing weight because I've done that in the past and guess what I found it all AND MORE SOME!!!

So a good post-it: I'm tired of losing weight and always finding it again, I'm ready to throw it away!!!

I'm starting to think about why I've always turned to food. I don't want to blame my mother......BUT I remember once I was at the baby sitters and someone commented that I was ALWAYS on a diet, yeah I was about 10. I certainly didn't make that choice. Maybe it was just that word diet. It just stirs up thoughts of confining, and deprivations. Then when I got the chance to have treats I would go crazy. I regularly sneak extra cookies, buy candy just to eat the entire bag in a few hours, and in general sneak food. My mother was made fun of for being fat as a child, and I think she's always been afraid of that for me. It probably doesn't help that my older brother is obese and at 23 I'm still struggling. So now I guess she's given up on my brother so all the pressure seems to be on me. I think food was my rebellion, no drugs or drinking, but high school I sneaked food like WHOA.

Now I am an adult. Kind of. I'm trying to keep my mother's voice out of my head, cuz then I'll just rebel. I want the voice to my voice! The food log helps a lot. I haven't cheated, I write down all the snacks I used to sneak. It makes it real, like I can't sneak anything anymore and thats a good thing. I really do feel like this will be the last restart. But I'm not looking to get rid of 20lbs in a month, just small changes, keeping up with the blog, and writing everything in the food journal.